Okay all that stuff I said about doing stuff over summer

Forget it. I forgot I had to work and still go to school.

I forgot I needed money. For stuff, I guess.

Although last week when I was home alone I literally did nothing but sleep and watch Arrested Development.

And tetris battle. 

Just that. So maybe working 6 hours a day isn’t a bad thing. 

This is the part I hate the most

I have, inevitably, had a really difficult first year of college.

I mean, it’s not like my conditions were horrible, to say the least.

But a lot of things happen in college. College challenges us with many things.

College offers alcohol in the form of fun (even though I still don’t find the “fun”) and this in between state of being independent while seeking some kind of dependence at the same time. 

I don’t know if I feel much different. Maybe I’m learning internally instead of wanting to shout everything out. But I kind of want to.

I want to say that college is difficult, and I hate whining, but it kind of sucks to be independent.

It sucks when people are still dramatically in high school mode and you hang on to their every word. It sucks that you weren’t as obsessed as you once were, believing that anything was possible. It kind of sucks that your feminism has died out because you don’t have time to be that passionate. It sucks that your friends have fallen to laziness (or you) because of this perfectly independent state.

I think the worst part is that I feel like I have no dreams. Like every degree is worthless and I have to do this and this. I don’t know if I even like Wall Street anymore. (even though I subscribe to WSJ) I hear that the economy is perpetually fucked, so there are no jobs, anywhere. I can’t pretend anymore that I am excited about my major. I just want to make it out alive in my math class and learn everything I can. 

Eh, but I have learned, and I’m actually kind of glad. I can relax now and if I have learned anything from this year, I’ll put it to action. 

Time to paint, time to buy some new typewriter stuff and art books.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. (I think I made you up inside of my head).

Well since finals are coming up and I never learned anything in MIS 111 except how to make weird flow charts, here’s a chart on how I save myself from procrastination.

I think its perfect. Like existential funny and intelligent. It’s realistic and about the human condition. But man I hope I don’t build it up too much.

/rantrantrant because I am so stressed out right now.

Well remember the year before when you thought you were at your prime and the year before that. You are always at your prime, so stop messing around and get things done.

Also, everything is relative.

I hate taking advice from people about classes because its pretty subjective. 

I hate preconceived notions. I just want to make my own notions.

I hate the moment when

You think everything will work out and everything will be okay

and it just gets worse. 

In “Up in the Air”, George Clooney’s character decides he wants love, he wants family and he wants human relationships, but the minute he decides to believe in something different, less existential, he finds out she’s married.

That movie is good because it’s realistic. But it’s also dangerously romantic, and romantics believe everything has an inevitable end. 

But that’s real life. The minute we change, things may just get worse. Maybe it was always wrong and we just started caring about it now. 

New Girl: You know me, I’m only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and thinks somebody famous stole their idea. I like an underdog.

+ and -

pros:

at least I’m getting better 

(at math and working hard)

not so worried all the time

met a really good person that makes me happy

cons:

I have to be in a long distance relationship soon (or just end it, which I don’t want to do) 

im worried about perfection

not enough time to pursue art interests